My wife and I recently returned with our children from a few days away attending a funeral for a family member. During that time we spent 3 days in a hotel, filled up the gas tank a few times, and had to go out to eat for lunch and dinner (breakfast was provided at the hotel). Obviously these were not planned expenses in our monthly budget. The total costs for this trip could have easily rang up to $500. Fortunately, all of these costs (except for our gas) were paid for out of the trust that was setup years ago for this family member. In fact, all of the funeral expenses were paid from this trust as well as the hotel and food costs for the other family members who came into town. In times like these I don’t want money to get in the way of family and loved ones, but I felt better when we realized we didn’t have to come up with money to cover these expenses.
The family members funeral that we attended was for my wife’s grandmother. A few years ago, most of the immediate family realized she could no longer live on her own, so they moved her into a nursing home. While the family was going through her things and getting the house ready to sell, they realized she had accumulated well over $1 million in assets. I had become very close with her prior to these events and had realized that she was one of the most frugal people I had ever met. She had lived through the great depression and knew what it was like to struggle to eat and survive each and every day. My wife’s grandmother had ended up living her entire life with those principles. In the end, she and her late husband had accumulated a lot of assets (at least to me) and sat on them as a feeling of protection. They had never really told anyone of their hidden wealth and continued to live their frugal life.
When the family had realized that their parents/grandparents had secretly accumulated all of these assets, it sparked a debate internally with my immediate family. My wife’s parents were upset (understandably) that these grandparents had acted like they never had money and instead had a very large nest egg. They felt that the grandparents should have done more with their grandchildren – taken them to Disney World or on vacations. Their feelings were that they should have spent a good portion of this money enjoying their grandchildren and making lasting memories. In addition, they felt they could have helped pay for their grandchildren to go to college or put a down payment on a house, etc. I can’t say that I really blame them for feeling this way. After all, both grandparents are gone now and most of their money is still sitting there. Some will go to the government (unfortunately) and the rest will be split up amongst the remaining family members.
After those events, my wife’s parents swore they would not treat money the same way as their parents had – instead spending some of it to make lasting memories with their children and grandchildren. Since that time, they insist on paying for almost 100% of the expenses when we are together. They spoil their two grandchildren as well. My parents have similar feelings and prefer to pick up the tab at a restaurant or for other expenses when we are with them. My wife and I use to feel bad about this and would get in arguments with our parents about always picking up the tab. We have since changed and no longer feel guilty about letting our parents or other family members pick up the bill. We don’t expect it, but honor the fact that our parents really want to pay. They actually want to enjoy spending their money on us and their grandchildren. They want to make lasting memories. They understand that it is only money and you can’t take it with you in the end.
While my wife and I are still very frugal people, we understand and accept the balance between a frugal life and spending some money to enjoy certain things in life. I practice and preach frugal living every single day. However, as with anything in life, I think you have to live frugally in moderation. You can’t overdue it or you will end up like my wife’s grandparents did. They continued to worry about money and paying for things up until the end of their lives. Meanwhile, they could have spent some of their wealth while they were still here making lasting memories with their loved ones.
What are your thoughts on balancing frugal living with spending money to make lasting memories with your family and loved ones?
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Wow, this is such an important topic. My wife’s side of the family has no problem spending money on gifts. On the other hand, my father grew up during the Great Depression, and both my parents are very frugal, but have done very well for themselves. Yet they tend not to buy gifts. I think you answered it best: Balance is the golden rule, according to Aristotle? Or was is Socrates? Anyway, I am going to keep the word ‘balance’ in mind
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Reminds me of that quote – “All things in moderation, including moderation.” However, I can see it from both sides. On one hand, you can’t take it with you – so when you reach a certain age,maybe it is time to spend on family making memories. On the other hand, having been through some financial hard times myself, I can understand the need for a secure nest egg.
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One of the dangers of giving money to people is that they may develop a sense of entitlement to other people’s money. “Grandma can afford it, she should pay for it” or “Mom and Dad are going to leave me their money anyway, they should give me some NOW, when I want it”. Also, working to pay for college or put a down payment on a house makes people learn to budget and be frugal themselves. These lessons are not learned if everything is a gift. Part of moderation in gift giving is not giving so much that the recipient doesn’t learn the value of hard work or frugality. Giving children so much that they are unable to care for themselves financially is no gift.
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k-money – I think you make some very valid points here. While I understand that some people take advantage of situations like this. I have several close family members and friends who act like they are owed everything in the world which makes me sick. One close friend is basically depending on his parents inheritance someday so he can retire. I would prefer my parents and in-laws to enjoy their retirement years. If they want to do it spending money on my children and us to do things with them – so be it.
Dawn – I agree. It is just sometimes my wife and I focus so much on savings we tend to forget about living. We have not been on a vacation in several years because we don’t want to spend the money. Every once in a while I think it is important to spend some of that hard earned money to enjoy life.
Steve – I like the word ‘Balance’. I have found that people I know who lived through the depression are some of the biggest savers I have ever seen. My grandparents don’t throw anything away. I really respect them for reusing things and making ends meet by this.
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I would say that your wife’s grandmother having a trust was the most important thing she could do for her family. This document will shelter assets and direct how the money should be allocated. I also think it’s wonderful that she was able to leave money to help pay for travel arrangements to her funeral and give some money to loved ones. My wife and I just finalized our trust, will, power of attorney, and health directives this week. These are priceless documents and we all need them.
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Passive Dad – Yes, the trust is something my wife and I have planned for this year. It is very, very important.
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